Funny quotes "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window" - Steve Blustone
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" - Woody Allen
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them" - Joan Rivers
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths" - Steve Wright
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?" - Paul Merton
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" - anonymous
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven" - W.C.Field
"Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink" - Jim Slattery
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!" - Groucho Marx
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving" - Henry Youngman
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." - Eric Morecambe
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets" - Mel Brooks
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in" - Tommy Cooper
"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with"
- Rodney Dangerfield
"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job" - Slappy White
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe" - Jimmy Durante
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough" - Les Dawson
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman"
- Homer Simpson
"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth" - Dave Barry
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion" - Spike Milligan
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes" - anonymous
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose" - Robin Williams
"I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark" - Muhammad Ali
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to"
- Dorothy Parker
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up" - Phyllis Diller
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler" - W.C.Fields
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work" - Steve Martin
"I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home" - Billy Connolly
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office" - Robert Frost
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